Love Addiction
People who are love addicts are not really addicted to love. They’re addicted to fantasy. They have a pattern of idealizing romantic partners and orienting their entire lives around getting that person to love them. They spend a lot of time obsessing about “The One”, and the rosy-hued future they will have if only “The One” loves them back.
They overlook the glaring red flags that “The One” is waving, usually some combination of addiction, anger issues, problems with the law, money troubles, difficulty functioning like an adult, chronic cheating and emotional unavailability. Their obsession can sap them of ambition, cause them to ignore their friends and generally be miserable unless they’re in that person’s presence.
If they do end up with “The One”, they are inevitably disappointed because that person was not what they imagined him/her to be. Now that they’re dealing with reality, they miss the high that fantasy provides. The relationship becomes chaotic, punctuated by tumultuous break-ups and (briefly) ecstatic reunions in hope that “The One” has changed.
The relationship ends for good when that person leaves or when the love addict finally realizes that “The One” doesn’t hold the key to nirvana and moves on in search of the person who does.
Living with love addiction is painful because you give someone else the power to make you feel valued and give your life meaning. Because you have probably selected an unreliable and/or unavailable person, your self-worth spikes and plummets according to “The One’s” whims. If you continue to make your happiness contingent on externals – the perfect person and perfect relationship – you will wait forever and lose meaningful moments and opportunities you have in the present.
The “love” you feel for “The One” is not love, but infatuation and an obsessive longing to have your feelings reciprocated. These feelings act like a drug because it’s the result of a biochemical process that alters your neurochemistry. You become so dependent on the feel-good hormones and neurotransmitters zinging around in your brain that you crave more and more of “The One”, even if the reality of that relationship makes you miserable.
Emotional sobriety comes by healing and repairing the most important relationship – the one you have with yourself.
Treatment with someone professionally trained like myself in love addiction can help you improve your relationship with yourself. I will guide and support you as you acquire the skills to transfer your focus of power from outside yourself to within.
I will help you:
- Learn the difference between limerence and love
- Cultivate mindfulness techniques so that you can tolerate difficult feelings instead of being emotionally reactive
- Identify your core values and align your choices with them
- Utilize coping skills when triggered so you don’t run back to, or start a new relationship with, “The One”
- Set and work towards attainable professional and personal goals instead of pouring your energy into chasing the unattainable
Repairing your relationship with yourself is hard work, but it’s the most important work you will ever do. You are worth it.
